It's hard to believe a year has passed since Barack Obama became President-elect of the United States. A look back at the faces — and emotions — around the globe, November 4, 2008.
Times Square, New York.
Grant Park, Chicago.
Harry's New York bar, Paris, France.
Athens, Greece.
Geneva, Switzerland.
Times Square, New York.
Geneva, Switzerland.
Columbus, Ohio.
McLean, Virginia.
Vienna, Austria.
Birmingham, Alabama.
Jakarta, Indonesia.
Grant Park, Chicago.
Seoul, South Korea.
Las Vegas, Nevada.
Bangkok, Thailand.
Grant Park, Chicago.
Times Square, New York.
Sydney, Australia.
Moscow, Russia.
Paris, France.
St. Paul, Minnesota.
Albuquerque, New Mexico.
Beijing, China.
Beijing, China.
Brooklyn, New York.
The Hague, Netherlands.
Phnom Penh, Cambodia.
Beijing, China.
Denver, Colorado.
Grant Park, Chicago.
Times Square, New York.
[Images via Getty.]
![[VennDiagram_jesus.gif]](http://img.ffffound.com/static-data/assets/6/e6158ec6031bc43f2ba9965ac38c1cc68795a4fd_m.gif)
10. They can't go outside in the daytime.
Honestly, you might as well be dating a well-dressed rock for all the daytime action you won't be enjoying with this dead weight around your neck. No days out at the art fair or trips to the ballgame. Even if you somehow get him to the beach, he'll just embarrass you with his gamy white skin before bursting into flames and taking his shame with him. And in the time it takes him to immolate, you wouldn't even be able to roast a marshmallow. Vampires even ruin beach s'mores. Jerks. Now where did I left the s'mores?
9. They don't like garlic...and now you can't either.
Remember all those fun times and delicious meals you had at your local Olive Garden? Yeah, I hope you took some pictures because those were the last bread sticks and meatballs you'll ever ingest, thanks to the big pasty loser moping next to you.
8. They're invisible in mirrors.
Vampires can't see their own reflections. That means your bloodlusty beau will be depending on you, missy, to tell him what he looks like EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF ETERNITY. "Do these pants make me look hippy?" "Does this cape make me look fey?" "Is my widow's peak too derivative of Grandpa Munster?" Natter, natter, natter. Trust me, you're going to wish you could stake him twice.
7. They're nocturnal.
You know how sometimes your cat spazzes out and gets all hyper in the middle of the night, running back and forth over your face and yowling until you pet it? Right there? That's your new boyfriend. He just hasn't decided to poop in a box yet.
6. Stranger in a strange land syndrome
Have you ever gone to a foreign country and met one of your countrymen out of the blue and suddenly, you two are best friends because there's no one else like you within a 50 mile radius? Count Lonelypants is going to do that too. He'll want to be friends with every other vampire he runs into. And then he'll drag them back to your place and they'll stay up all night drinking hamsters and talking about how much Transylvania's changed and how you never want to let him bite you anymore even though you guys used to bite each other like bunnies four or five times a day. Wah, wah, wah!
5. He'll relate to every vampyric pop culture reference ever made.
Want to make a joke about "Twilight?" He'll sulk for days. Casually mention that no vampire will ever be better than Spike? He'll lock himself in his casket for a week. Declare that Coppola's "Dracula" wasn't as bad as you remembered? He'll freeze you out for months. Even worse, he'll get all excited about the vampires he likes -- Count Chocula, Bram Stoker, Ann Coulter. Boring!
4. He'll be skittish around the word "stake."
No more "going Outback tonight" for you guys. The first time he hears "$9.99 for a 6 ounce steak" he's going to run like a pretty little girl, and berate you for your insensitivity. And then you'll laugh and laugh and laugh...
3. He'll be all arrogant and authoritative about vampire lore.
Could Bugs Bunny really turn that vampire into a bat by saying, "Hocus Pocus?" Would the mullets of "The Lost Boys" have been accepted within the stylist wheelhouse? Do fang whiteners really work? And how the hell do you floss overgrown incisors anyway? He'll tell you, and probably in a fancy voice.
2. One word: capes
Some of your more old school and debonair vampires likely will wear capes, better suited to sweeping departures down dark alleys and hiding stolen watches for sale after baseball games. That's all well and good, but here's your problem. Have you ever tried to hang up a cape? It's impossible! There's no shoulders or sleeves; they just slide right off the hanger. So then you just drape them over a chair right? No, because then they get wrinkled. How about hanging them over a balcony? Again with the wrinkles. You could pin them to something, but then there's holes in the fabric. You, quite literally, will spend weeks trying to figure out what to do with this goddamn cape.
1. Everyone hates a biter.
Remember in grade school when there was always some little boy named Timmy or Blake who would run up and just randomly bite people to get attention? Remember how much you hated him and tried to stuff him into the tire swing? Your buddy Count Nipalot is going to want to bite you ALL THE TIME. And sure, the first few times are fun if you're into that, but after a while, you're going to get anemic and then you're going to have to eat more spinach. So think about that: biting and spinach. What kind of life is that?
What do you think? What reasons would keep you from becoming the warmer half of a vampire couple?
[The Park Bench]
Yesterday in Physics someone's phone went off to the tune of the Justice League. After the professor paused his lecture to acknowledge the phone, the kid answered his phone and replied, "The University is in trouble?! We're on our way!" The kid stood up, ripped off his t-shirt, revealed the Superman costume underneath, and exclaimed "Super Friends, Assemble!" Scattered across the class of about 150, Batman, Wonder Woman, The Green Lantern, and Flash all stood up and promptly left the class to save Auburn University. MLIA
[My Life Is Average]
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1. Einstein got bad grades in school
Um… have you heard about this guy Einstein? Famous physicist? Relativity and all that? A genius, even? I’m pretty sure little Albert could handle his business in 4th grade arithmetic. Yes, contrary to popular belief, Einstein was a top student in elementary school, getting mostly “4″s (on the German grading scale of 1-4), which idiot Americans later assumed, backwardly, were “D”s. The idea stuck because everybody loves the idea that their poor student can go on to great things. Sorry, parents, Einstein was teaching himself calculus at age 12. Your little lip-twiddling retard will be working at Hardee’s.2. Mice like cheese
Why would mice like cheese? Processed cow milk is not exactly available to them in their natural habitat, is it? No, mice MUCH prefer peanut butter, breakfast cereals, and other things similar to the grains and seeds they’ve gotten used to over millions of years of evolution. In fact, some mice are even lactose intolerant and will die if they eat cheese. In short: f–k you, Tom and Jerry.3. Napoleon was short
Nope. Napoloean was 5′7″, average height for a Frenchmen of the time. I don’t think he was particularly angry either, though we seem to have no trouble citing him as both the paragon and origin of the “short man’s syndrome” so common at New Jersey nightclubs. The confusion came from the difference between the British inch and the French ‘pouce’, which was longer, and made Brits think Napolean was only around 5′3″, a misconception which British propaganda was only happy to propagate.4. Thomas Edison Invented the Light Bulb
Edison was a smart mother f–ker, but he didn’t invent the light bulb – somebody else had already done that by the time he started fiddling with the idea. Edison did, however, invent the first light bulb that actually worked well, at the same time as another guy, Joseph Swan. Edison got to be famous for it though, because he beat Swan in ro-sham-bo, and then bitch-slapped him.5. Lemmings Throw Themselves Over Cliffs
What, are lemmings retarded? Yes, mass suicide sounds like a wonderful evolutionary trait to have built into your species to ensure its survival. Lemmings do no such thing, except occasionally when they’re drunk at bachelor parties. This great misconception was perpetrated by none other than Disney, who, in all their evil, decided their early nature film “White Wilderness” would be much more awesome if it showed a bunch of rodents flinging themselves off cliffs. They were correct, of course, but that doesn’t make this “phenomenon” any less B.S.6. Water Flushes Differently in Different Hemispheres
Toilet water doesn’t flush a specific direction depending on what hemisphere you’re in. Water flushes the same way, unless you’re in the middle of certain huge hurricanes, or if you crank it really hard with a dingy oar like we used to with our toilet water back in Minnesota.7. Humans Evolved From Apes
Neither Charles Darwin nor any reputable evolutionist ever said that humans evolved from chimpanzees or gorillas or any other ape alive today (and certainly not those angry monkeys with those blue asses. They simply claim that monkeys and humans both evolved from a common ancestor that died out millions of years ago. You know, some sort of primitive monkey-caveman creature that had some smart babies that eventually became human, and some dumb-ass babies that eventually became apes.8. Vikings Had Horns
This one hurts me ’specially. Actually, the title should read “Vikings Wore Helmets With Horns,” unless you think Vikings’ skulls actually had horns protruding from them, which I wish to sweet Odin was the case. But in any event, no, even Viking headwear didn’t sport horns – not a single Viking helmet has ever been found with anything jutting out of it. Besides awesomeness, of course.9. Columbus believed the Earth was flat
People have suspected that the Earth might be round since as early as Eratosthenes in 240 B.C. – it was mostly just a bunch of dogmatic nut-jobs who continued to insist that the Earth was a birdbath you could fall off of if you sailed too close to the edge. So by the time Columbus rolled around in 1492, pretty much everybody knew they were dealing with a sphere, Chris included. He did get a little confused about the size of the sphere, though, which is why he thought the Caribbean was India, leading to the whole dot vs. feather issue today.10. Different parts of the tongue detect different tastes.
What, your elementary school health class lied to you? Turns out, taste buds on all parts of your tongue can detect all different tastes, though there are slightly increased sensitivities in different areas for some people. Want proof? Try dipping the dip of your tongue into some coffee grounds and see if you can taste the bitter. As my great uncle Ralph, who lost half his tongue in ‘Nam, used to say, “Hrm rmrng rmhrm mrhng!”, which translates to “I don’t need the front half of my tongue to taste your aunt Gladys’s sweet ass!”
Have you seen this commercial around?:
Let's just say some fanboys cool people struck back with some clever new ad:
You see? This is what I love, a cool, bloodless* war.
*Actually, blood would be a nice plus.
[Fake Steve]
I kid. This is awesome. This is really one of the things I'd like to do with my friends. Also, sorry for the long absence. Girls, university and work get in the way sometimes. Not in the same order. If you'd like to help me with the blog and post from time to time, you can by contacting me. There's no pay, but hey! One day you could become famous*.
*Not really. You? Please, get back to reality.
Attendee at Microsoft event: So what's a Zune?
Zune rep: It's a music and media player that...
Attendee: So, it's an iPod?
--Cooper Union
[Overheard] by: Peter Pentacostle
On a personal note, I've only seen one Zune in my life. Seriously!
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